Another scan day…

20 January 2012

I have to admit it is getting harder and harder for me to write these blog posts. There is a big part of me that wants to keep things so private…Maybe because things aren’t going as well as our family would like them to and I don’t want to sound like I’m pessimistic or ungrateful…I’m not sure.  I have been struggling to find a way to write this post for almost two weeks now.  Last night at a meeting, a friend who also has fought this cancer battle with her child, asked about Tyler and said she had been checking the website and there was nothing there.  After we visited, I decided it was selfish of me not to let people know how things are going, when the reason they are going as good as they are is because of the prayers of all those who love Tyler, and who probably check the website to see what they need to pray for next!!!!

Tyler had his scans two weeks ago today.  I cannot even begin to explain the terror that gripped my heart that morning when I woke up.  As I wrote earlier, he has not been feeling too well, and I really didn’t want to know that the reason for that may have been because the cancer was spreading.  As I knelt to pray that morning and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father to help us get through the day, I had the most amazing feeling of peace come over me that it all would be okay.  The strange thing is, I never know what ‘okay’ is anymore.  I guess I’m learning that ‘okay’ means that Heavenly Father is in control and whatever happens is exactly what He planned for us before we came here.  Scary thought, huh?

I always hate watching Tyler lay in that tube with his arms above his head, watching his face…watching through the glass at the faces of the techs and doctors.  I try so hard to read everyone…trying to get an answer to what the scans might say before I get a phone call.  Needless
to say, scan day has turned into one of my least favorite days ever!

We always come home right after scans now.  Much better to get a phone call and be here to receive the news, than to sit in an office for hours and have poor Tyler a wreck before the news comes in.  It’s a much better solution to be in our home and all be together.

Dr. Wright finally called with the scan results the next morning.  She said that the three larger tumors had grown, but only slightly…less than a centimeter larger.  The numerous small tumors throughout his liver had basically remained unchanged in size and number, but show some evidence of ‘necrosis’, which basically means dying.  So, in other words, his cancer has hardly progressed, and the smaller tumors may be beginning to die, ‘possibly from treatment’ (that’s what the radiologist report said).   I don’t know if I’ve said in earlier posts that we are on an alternative cancer therapy we started in November.   I honestly believe that if these tumors are dying, it’s from the alternative therapy we are trying.  It only makes sense.  They have never showed evidence of necrosis in any earlier scans.

Here’s the thing…is it amazing that I could be ungrateful for a miracle?  Every doctor we’ve talked to who has looked at his scans (and there have been quite a few) says that this is a complete miracle.  Tyler’s kind of cancer does not usually sit around being ‘stable’.  It quickly spreads, usually to the lungs.  Tyler’s lungs are clear.  It also quickly spreads within the liver, making the liver function compromised and eventually failing.  Tyler’s liver functions are remarkably stable.  If this isn’t a miracle I don’t know what is…but this part of me really wanted the kind of miracle that said, ‘Oh my gosh, the cancer is gone and we don’t know how that happened!’  How selfish is that?  Now I’m choosing my miracles..I’m sure my Heavenly Father is shaking his head at me.

So, that’s why I’ve waited two weeks to write this post.  Trying to learn to be grateful for the miracles I’ve been given.  I’ll get there.  I just hope He’s going to be patient with me.  I really am so relieved and happy that the cancer has not spread..that goes without saying.  And we will still leave no stone unturned while helping Tyler fight.  And, we still are eternally grateful to you all for your unfailing prayers and faith.  I know in my heart that the story would be different if I didn’t have an army of people who love and support Tyler and I’ll never be able to thank you enough.

Tyler has still struggled to feel  well .  It has been interesting to compare how healthy he was in September, October, November, then just started declining a bit in December.  He still struggles with extreme nausea.  He hasn’t been able to go to school this whole week.  He is still sleeping about 16-18 hours a day.  It’s hard to figure out why if the cancer is basically the same.  Last night as he was up a good share of the night, I thought of when I was pregnant and thought the three months of nausea were never going to end.  My heart was just aching for him,
knowing that he’s got to be so discouraged about feeling that way all the time, but really, he still NEVER complains.  Occasionally, he’ll say ‘Oh, I really don’t feel good’.  That’s about as big as it gets from him.

Thanks so much for your continued prayers for our family.  You know, you’re in this battle with us, because your prayers are part of our fight.  We need them to be able to get through this.  Please always remember that you’re helping Tyler every time you’re on your knees and remember his name.  Thank you!

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